I am a proponent of the idea that the biggest problems facing the world right now; climate change, the economy, immigration and terrorism, are better solved in an international forum and on a bigger scale which is why I was so disappointed with the result of the Brexit referendum. However it appears the issue of climate change has been downgraded as a priority even further.

Two days into her new post as a Prime Minister that nobody elected, Theresa May abolished the Department for Energy and Climate Change and moved the responsibility to a new Department for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy. Given the government’s commitments to addressing climate change it seems a bit odd to shunt them into a department where it isn’t even mentioned in the name, although not surprising from a woman who wants to blast your human rights into the top corner like a Cristiano Ronaldo free kick.

May then proceeds to appoint former Energy Minister Andrea Leadsom to the position of Environment Secretary. To say Andrea Leadsom’s agenda is “not entirely environmentally friendly” would be an understatement on par with Steven Irwin insisting “this particular sting ray is harmless”. This is a woman who, when appointed Energy Minister in 2015, asked officials:

“When I first came to this job one of my two questions was: ‘Is climate change real?’ and the other was ‘Is hydraulic fracturing safe?’ And on both of those questions I am now completely persuaded,”.

She is now an advocate of fracking and an avid climate change ignorer.

Andrea, climate change is real. Even ignoring the mountains of data that explains just how real it is, maybe you could try using your demonic powers to open up some sort of portal from whichever fiery circle of hell you reside and peer into the mortal realm – the floods last year made Cumbria look like a live-action Little Mermaid reboot.

And then there’s the fracking. If you’re unsure what fracking is, it basically involves drilling down into rock, injecting water, sand and chemicals into it at high pressure until the gas and it flows out so we can use it for our barbeques during our two days of summer or whatever. It’s kind of like waterboarding a suspected terrorist until they say or do anything to make it stop.

If that explanation makes fracking still sound innocent to you, it isn’t. Many parts of America and even France and Germany have gone so far as to ban it outright. France – a country that considers eating cow udders a delicacy – thought it was too much for fuck’s sake. The thing most critics point to are the potential health and environmental impacts of waterboarding a landmass with chemicals, including the contamination of our water supplies,  increased seismic activity and flares of flaming methane. Let’s break that down – she thinks turning Britain into greenless, quaking, barren wasteland where flames shoot out from the fucking ground is a super idea because she is the Antichrist and wants to turn Britain into Hell2.0. She’s also now in charge of the fox hunting ban and is committed to repealing it.

 

 

 

This is just a brief insight into what we have to look forward to then. When the world is completely submerged in acidic water and you are balanced on flotsam floating through Cumbria, battling Andrea Leadsom to the death over the last bottle of Evian, using improvised weapons made from the shin bones of your perished loved ones, the ground will shake under the waves like Michael J Fox on a tumble dryer due to the constant fracking. Theresa May will soar overhead having revealed her true form, her giant leathery wings and horns blocking out the dying sun as you remember that you read it here first.