Have you ever noticed how when you become aware of your own breathing you start having to control it manually? Perhaps this has just happened to you now as you’ve read this. That once autonomous process now seems really annoying. Haha. One of the reasons you’re able to breathe, and also why the planet isn’t a big stinky pit of ammonia and methane anymore, is photosynthesis. If you somehow managed to sleep/bunk your way through GCSE biology, photosynthesis is a complicated process which basically involves light, carbon dioxide and water being converted into sugar and oxygen by some living thing. If that was too much for you, imagine a Jehovah’s Witness knocking at your house but instead of them converting you to Christianity they convert your sister’s bedroom into a super cool man cave with an arcade machine and a massage chair. Now replace Jehovah’s Witness with light and massage chair with oxygen and you’ve got it. If that confused you further then there’s simply no explaining this to you and I give up.

Excuse me sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour Pacman?

Almost all life on earth is reliant on this process and frankly now that I read that back I wonder why Jehovah’s Witnesses are given such a hard time. A problem arises though when we as a species continue to pack ourselves into cramped cities like sardines in a tin, and that tin is the source of a huge amount of carbon emissions which causes the tin to heat up and get polluted and makes it a generally unpleasant area to live. What the hell are those sardines doing in there?

In steps London-based artsy brainbox Julian Melchiorri with his Silk Leaf. This artificial leaf is made by extracting the chloroplasts (the cells in the plants that do the photosynthesising) from plants and binding them with silk fibres. Hard to beleaf right? I’m not even sorry for that. These imposter leaves can then engage in photosynthesis like ordinary leaves but without having to be plugged into the ground like those annoying trees have to be. They can theoretically be placed anywhere and the creator hopes for them to be used to help clean city air. If you’ve ever seen Get Him To The Greek you’ll know the bit where Puff Daddy is stroking the furry wall and he says “Imma cover the whole outside of my house in this material”. It’s that general idea but with high-rise buildings covered in fake leaves, like a really big prop tree in a school theatre production, hoovering up all the nasty carbon dioxide from the air.

He also says something about “this is what pussy in the 80’s felt like”. Ladies, if you feel like an artificial leaf down there please go see a doctor.

By far the most exciting potential use for these leaves though is the possibility of using them during SPACE EXPLORATION. Long duration space travel is hindered by the ability to provide a sustainable source of stuff for astronauts to breath. These artificial leaves could be the answer and you can be damn sure I’m excited at the prospect of interplanetary space travel and colonisation. I want to go to Mars and visit an exact replica of the space bar with the three-breasted prostitute from Total Recall and if this leaf can bring that reality a step closer whilst happening to clean up our air then that is fine by me.

Bring it on.